[AUG-24] Pt1: Dial-A-sprinkler

“Hello dear listeners and good morning- oh and what a morning it is. The summer sun gifts us its glory once again, giving us yet another scorcher to look forward to.”

It was not unusual for radio’s to crackle on by themselves in the city, their dials turning wildly as they tuned themselves to an unknown, untraceable station; most residents had encountered the mysterious phenomena at least once, but…. Something felt different today.
For one, these broadcasts were usually late night affairs; afterall that old timey fuzz on that strange voice felt so much more fitting on lonely car rides in the middle of nowhere long past midnight- it’s just not as spine tinglingly strange in the middle of a bright blue sunny day! And for two the host seemed far too cheery.
Worryingly so, if you were to ask many who had encountered his show before.

What none who were listening could see of course was that the host himself; Dial in all his many eyed, twitching, dripping glory; was positively glowing with rare, giddy excitement as he twirled his microphone cord through his hand and delivered his speech with all the flair of an expert showman- if he had a face in his undisguised form he would’ve been positively beaming in delight! As it was his many bulbous eyes seemed to glance around even more than usual, before falling on something beside him, clutched in his other hand….

“In a change to our regularly scheduled programming I, your most beloved, charming, oh so handsome host will be with you the whole day through today to help you through the blistering hot workday,” He crooned, “For it’s time for an event i’m sure you’ve all been waiting for; that’s right, it’s our big summer bonanza.”

As if emanating from the mignyan himself a cheery if not slightly out of tune jingle played, Dial dancing softly to it as it rang out across the airwaves. The event, of course, had never aired before nor had any poor soul heard a word of it before this moment as their devices seemed to refuse to be turned off nor returned away from the mysterious signal- so for a moment all ears were on that crackling, drawling voice as he chuckled to himself and inhaled through a mouth that didn’t exist to continue weaving his words across the airwaves.

“It’s nothing but summer hits all day long, and that’s not all dear listeners….. No that is not the half of it, for we have suuuch a wonderful offer for you. Here at Misty Lodge we have made a once in a lifetime deal to bring the best way to beat the heat and have fun doing it; only the finest in lawn decor to make your neighbors jealous, keep your kids happy and your lawn fed. Why, it’s the patented Dial-a-Sprinkler, fashioned after yours truly!”

With this finally what lay in Dial’s other hand was brandished and, despite this being an audio-only show, each and every listener found the image flashing in their mind’s eye; ghoulishly invading their thoughts, brandishing itself on the back of their vision and refusing to leave. People fell to the ground, clutching their heads and screaming; thrashing and crying out, terrified by the sudden intrusive vision of…. Of…. IT

Constructed of what seemed to be only the cheapest and most brittle plastic was a replica of the end of Dial’s tail in all its microphone-esque glory, complete with shifting, twitching eye that glanced around as if sentient and regretting every second of it. It looked atrocious, like something nobody would ever want to so much as walk by, not helped by the oozing dark red liquid leaking from the eye itself; dripping onto Dial’s fingers and filling the minds of the listeners with a foul, rotting stench. He of course was nothing short of ecstatic about the disgusting thing, practically cooing over it as he inspected it and held it aloft like some wonderful gift to the world.

“Isn’t it beautiful? Oh, isn’t it a delight? Now, we only have so many folks so get yours while stocks last, all you have to do is call our regular line and we can patch you through to one of our happy helper assistants who can walk you through buying one of your very own patented Dial-a-sprinkler; for the low, low, lowwwwwwwww price of-”
His words began to distort and crackle once more, multiple voices as if swapping through radio stations began to speak; whispered continuations of the sentence promising it’d only cost your soul, other’s naming every number under the sun, one listener would claim later they even heard the voice of some peculiar tv host they swore they remembered from….Somewhere they couldn’t quite remember.

“-And don’t you hesitate because these delights are selling fast fast fast! Call now, don’t delay, you don’t want to be the only house on the block without one do you dear listener? Hahaha, of course not. Now, how’s about we get back to some heatwave hits to set the mood for the day while you reach for your phones.”

Dial flicked a few switches on the dashboard in front of him and leant back in his chair with a chuckle; running his meat-like hands across the sprinkler with great relish and delight.
He’d not known what to make of it when he’d first found the box of them in the studio, hidden in a moldy back room he’d never seen before; quite unusual for Dial, this space was his domain, as part of him as his radio show, he wasn’t used to surprises. Where they’d come from he’d no clue, thinking at first they might be some sort of strange gift from Channel; but when he’d called the tv host over he’d had no idea what they were! 

 “Never seen them in my life,” He’d said, stroking his mandibles thoughtfully, “But i’ll tell you what, you know what you have right there my dear? You have the merchandising opportunity of a lifetime!”

That’d piqued Dial’s interest; merchandising….. He’d been doing his little show for so long but the thought had never really crossed his mind- after all, hard to merchandise a show that may or may not exist on the same plane of existence as its listeners! But now there he’d been with a whole stash of perfect merch just falling straight into his lap, and who was he to turn it down?

“He was right, merchandising is the future; just imagine how many more listeners we’ll gain when these pretty little trinkets litter the whole town! Even if you don’t have a radio you’ll know my name…” He spoke softly as he returned from his reminiscing, alight with the glow of blinking led lights accentuating switches and knobs all around. Still his voice distorted as if coming through a radio, never once seeming to emanate from quite the right place as he sighed happily and hugged his horrid sprinkler to his chest.
“Ohhh that Channel…..I’ll have to thank him when I see him next.”

~~~~

It will come as no surprise of course that not a single resident of the town called the radio station up to buy a sprinkler; why would they, invading someone’s thoughts is hardly a good advertising technique, it tends to put people off somewhat. Sends the wrong message. Yet, even with no purchase made…well, it was the strangest thing, really. It was just a few reports here and there, a few slight glimpses at night, sightings that could be written off as just the mind playing tricks; a red eye glowing from over here, the sound of thick, disgusting water dripping over there- people didn’t think too much of it at first, not with everything else they’d all experienced at the hand of the mysterious radio host. But then it’d started to get more frequent. More…prominent.
The Jacksons on Pike Avenue reported their kids coming in from the garden saying the new sprinkler toy didn’t work right, that it’d spat gunk at them and cackled in a crackling, static-toned voice; sending the parents dashing outside, knowing they’d bought no such thing, only to find it sitting there plain as can be on their lawn. Just down the street Rudy from the music store told anyone who’d listen that he’d been throwing out sprinkler after sprinkler after they started to show up in her shop.
They never seemed to do anything particularly malicious- well, nothing worse than covering a few unfortunate souls in unpleasant ooze- but that whole summer they haunted the town, cropping up ceaselessly, their eerie stare and penchant for squirting gunge received with nervous tension and annoyance. When fall came around it was as if they’d never existed though, vanishing overnight as quick as they’d come; leaving many to wonder if they’d simply dreamed it all.
But of course they knew they hadn’t, not with their luck. No, this was just another peculiarity of living in the town haunted by the Misty Lodge Latenight Show; and no doubt soon their speakers would crackle on again with a new fall themed horror for Dial to inflict upon them…